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No! There‘s no such horoscope! Seriously? WTF? Why would you do that to yourself? Why would you want to find out such a thing? Also, didn‘t your Momma teach you to avoid clickbait? Kidding. Sorry for the aggression. Yet, if you are one of the people who think that it‘s ok to sort 6 billion people into 12 arbitrary categories, based on the way the stars twinkled in the sky on the date of their birth, you might find the following horoscope useful. If you‘re not that type of person, you might find it helpful as well.

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

First of all, one day you‘re going to die. Just like the rest of us, really. Until then, your zodiac sign description will tell you that you are bossy and a little relentless, and that‘s just the way it is. Yet, from what we see in the stars tonight, you should relax and take some time for self-care and ease your grip. Just as Ray Bradbury once said: “Life should be touched, not strangled.” If you‘re not Aries and you’re just reading this for fun, please, bossy or not, take some time for self-care as well. 

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)

According to Benjamin Franklin, there are two unavoidable things: death and taxes. And you‘re going to face both. Acceding to your zodiac description, you‘re very sensitive and get carried away by your emotions easily. Today, the stars are trying to give you a message: take a step back and take a few deep breaths. Meditate. Get centered. Remember, you‘re not your thoughts, and you‘re not your emotions. If you‘re not Taurus and you‘re just reading this for fun, please, take a few deep breaths and get centered as well. 

Gemini (May 21 – Jun 20)

There‘s a Marine saying – everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. It‘s not really about death, but still, you‘re going to die one day. Before that, according to your zodiac description, you will run around trying to taste a bit of everything and spread yourself thin. The stars have advice: learn to say ‘no’ and prioritize. You don’t have to be everything and give in to FOMO. If you‘re not Gemini and you‘re just reading this for fun, please, try not to spread yourself too thin as well.

Cancer (Jun 21 – July 22)

Either Woody Allen or Spike Milligan once said: “I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. “ You will be there when it happens because you are going to die one day. Before that, your zodiac description will tell you that you are controlled by your moods. The stars have something to say about it: Be mindful of your moods. If you‘re acting like a mad dragon, try to examine it: maybe you‘re hungry, maybe it‘s PMS (if you‘re a guy, that‘s unlikely) or maybe you just didn‘t sleep well. That will improve your relationship with others. If you‘re not Cancer and you‘re just reading this for fun, please, try to be mindful of your moods as well and be kind to yourself.

Leo (July 23 – Aug 22)

“The trouble with quotes about death is that 99.99 percent of them are made by people who are still alive.“ – Joshua Burns. You are still alive to make those quotes. But you will die one day. Until then, your zodiac description will say that you demand attention and applause wherever you go and whatever you do. The stars are twinkling in unison and whispering advice: you don‘t need outside gratification to feel enough. You are enough. It‘s a gift given to all of us. Enjoy it. If you‘re not Leo and you‘re just reading this for fun, please, remember you are enough as well.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

One day you will die. Probably not a virgin (a very mature Virgo joke). While you‘re alive, your zodiac decryption will say that you are very practical and a true perfectionist. The stars are telling you that sometimes done is better than perfect. Learn to finish something even before it seems perfect because that might never happen. Do your best and let go of what‘s not in your hands. If you‘re not a Virgo and you‘re just reading this for fun, please, remember that done is better than perfect as well.   

Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

People often say, “I‘ll sleep when I‘m dead. “ You will because you will die one day. You might as well sleep before you die to stay alive a bit longer. Especially since, according to your zodiac description, you‘re always torn between something. The stars have something unique to say to you: practice gratitude. Maybe while you‘re searching for something, it‘s already in front of you, it was just left unnoticed. Take time to notice. If you‘re not a Libra and you‘re just reading this for fun, please, remember to practice gratitude as well.  

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

A scorpion’s bite can kill you. It probably won‘t kill you in particular, but you will die one day nonetheless. Before that, your zodiac description will tell you that you are ‘all or nothing’  kind of gal/dude. The stars wink and tell you: the world if not black and white, and that‘s a good thing because all the colors make life so full of opportunities for growth, learning, compassion, and love. Embrace the colors. Embrace the in-betweens. If you‘re not a Scorpio and you‘re just reading this for fun, please, embrace the colors as well.    

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

There‘s a band called “Death cab for cutie.” Sounds like a dangerous cab. You may not die in a cab, but you will die one day. Before that, your zodiac description will tell you that you’re very spiritual and a meaning-seeker. The stars smile down at you and say: don’t forget that sometimes what you’re looking for may be found outside of yourself – in other people. A beautiful way to discover yourself is through acts of kindness for others. Cheesy? Maybe. True? Fuck yeah! If you‘re not a Scorpio and you‘re just reading this for fun, please, embark on a journey of sharing kindness as well.    

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

In some cultures, death is considered a joyful thing. Whatever your culture is, you will die one day. Just sayin‘. Before that, your zodiac description will tell you that you are very serious and trustworthy. Stars have a piece of advice for you: don‘t forget to play. Humans need to play and have fun to recharge, develop, and be happy. It‘s in our nature. Science backs that up nicely, but so does experience. Did you play/ were you playful today? If not, make sure to find some time for that. If you‘re not a Capricorn and you‘re just reading this for fun, please, make sure you take some time to play and be creative as well.    

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

Just because you‘re an Aquarius, don‘t assume you‘re Aquaman and be reckless in the water or you might want day. You will die one day anyway, but still, be careful. Yet, while you‘re alive, your zodiac description will tell you that you are very independent and hard to persuade. The stars have something to say about that. Learn to listen. We have two ears and one mouth; let‘s take that as a sign and listen more and not only while we‘re waiting for our turn to speak. We all have something to give, but so do other people. Give them a chance. If you‘re not an Aquarius and you‘re just reading this for fun, please, listen to others intentionally as well.  

Pisces (Feb 19 – March 20)

You‘re going to get a very serious quote. “Live your life, do your work, then take your hat.“ It was written by Henry David Thoreau. He died in 1862. And you will die one day as well. Until then, your zodiac description will tell you that you are very sensitive and susceptible to your environment. The stars are whispering you some advice: Create an inner space that can be your haven, your shelter from the storm. Space, which always reminds you that you are enough and that what others say of you, doesn‘t define you. If you‘re not a Pisces and you‘re just reading this for fun, please, create your inner haven as well.   

So, yeah, as you can see, I’m not into the idea that 12 categories define the 6 billion of us. From time to time, we‘re all a little bossy, sensitive, and scared. We all find it hard to make decisions and constantly look for something without even being able to tell exactly what it is. Some days we‘re independent, some days we need a big fat hug and a shoulder to cry on. We come into this world embraced by the light of the stars, and we will leave it embraced by the same light. Let‘s not give into descriptions and define ourselves in our own words, deeds, and creative endeavors. 

This is my last piece for Abstract Stylist in 2019. (Hopefully) I will see you in 2020 until then, be safe, healthy (ALIVE!,) and absolutely and incredibly joyful! 

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